Have you ever had that “down” part of your life, you feel so broken in the head, you don’t even want to wake up? Your logical mind tells you that you should be happy, yet you have that unmistakable feeling of hopelessness that seems like it is here to stay forever. You try to find the motivation to do the things that you know you want to do, but to do them seems like more effort than it is worth. The road to something special is full of challenges, yet you seem like you can’t find the power anymore to overcome them.
Well, I know it’s that zone I have stepped again. I will have some shitty days following one another without any clue to where in hell they are going to take me the next day. I will even forget all the lessons learnt from Mark Manson’s “The subtle are of not giving a fuck”. Anyway, it’s fine, as I know that it’s that zone I have stepped again. I am going to cry at nights because it’s annoying how much I pay attention to the negatives. I will choose to stay in my room most of the day, listening to Christina Perri’s “Human”.
Next step – I am going to hate my 6:20 early morning alarm and the one following at 6:30. I will hate my breakfast and I know I am not going to read a book after practice because my mind has just enough things to worry about. During the practice I will follow my warm-up routine even though every part of my body is begging me to go back to sleep. I will fight and I will listen to some motivational music while I am warming up and I will keep on telling myself: “Davay Lilo, you got this!”
Every time I step into that zone, I know I am going to suffer, I know that everything is going to work against me on and off court and this routine is going to be so annoying that eventually I am going to make fun of my own life…
And that’s the time when I will start to write. That’s the trigger that activates my motivation to open a blank page on Microsoft Word (shit, I hate this part), and then the words just write themselves so smoothly, you know, like the way you would do footwork on court without having any pain in your body.
But there is one thing I know for sure – the bad times will disappear and the person I become after that is going to be much better that she used to be. You know, this is how the conversation goes between me and … well, between me and me (yeah, I talk to myself all the time): “My life is shit right now, HOWEVER I will keep on fighting”. Well, the same thing happens on court very often: “I play like shit today, HOWEVER I will keep on fighting”.
There are so many ways I have tried to overcome this kind of situations. Well, when I was back home, it was a bit easier as I have the perfect parents helping me out. In Denmark I am alone… and I have lots of time to think about ways to overcome it.
They say “Time heals” and I agree with it… partly. But Time is something general and what we don’t see are those little things, those little important things that when added up together, they do actually do matter in the end. And the most wonderful part of my life is that I keep on living this “boring” routine and one day it all makes sense. “Boring” or “not boring” depends on how I look at the little things. You know, sometimes it’s those “Oh my God! How could I not see this coming?” and “Fucking hell, now it all makes sense!!!” kind of sentences that keep us alive and make our lives more interesting.
In my little world, it’s the little stories I hear from people around me, the million questions I ask myself about a certain situation and the million answers that I guess may be true. It’s those ideas that I need to write, the ones that suddenly appear while I am stringing a racket or stretching after a tough training session. It’s those lyrics of the songs that make me push through the pain and get on court to win over myself.
It’s the amazing people who appear in my life at just the exact right time to help me reach something important, without any idea of how important they are and suddenly disappear just because they have already played their role. It’s the choice I make when I am injured, refusing to stop and complain about how unlucky I am and instead, working on my weaknesses and believing in an amazing comeback. It’s about all these little things in my day-to-day life that form the way I look at things happening around me.
But most of all, it’s about writing. Overcoming a tough situation in my life is all about writing down my thoughts to help out myself AND someone else out there who is reading it. I write, because I have to. I write, because I have too many things going on in my head that I can’t figure out. I write and I organize my own head, just like the way I organize my day. And I write, because it’s just a little move to help someone who maybe is going through something like this.
I may still not have the power to hit those perfect smashes on court, but yeah, I have the power to write about what I lack… and work on them.
Well, well… let’s see how my story goes on.
Probably it was too dramatic. But one day after I wrote the first three paragraphs of this post, I played my best badminton after being injured for two months. Many thanks to my friend David for helping me with the two italicized sentences and inspiring to share what I had been keeping to myself for a long time.